Mistakes... Over and Over

Mistakes... I am making it again and again. What happened to me? Didn't I learn the lessons the bad way? Didn't I repent it enough? Didn't I make my life enough of a mess to learn it the hard way? Why am I going back? You are allowed to make mistakes but only fools will repeat it... Am I a fool? I must be. Why am I getting carried away. I shouldn't get carried away. Stop trusting people and hold your tongue. Don't you remember the philosophy you created for yourself? Why do you have to talk this much? Why are you so careless these days? Are you going to repeat that big mistake again. Or have you repeated it already. Did you trust? Didn't you know from the beginning that you shouldn't trust? Didn't your experience give you all the warning? Didn't your life teach you anything? What is gonna happen now? Oh My God what is wrong with you?... Let it Go... Let it Go... Let it Go...

Encounter with Love

I realise that whatever I write tend to center around love. It is funny especially because I am one person who stoutly denies the existance of the same in its pure form. Well, I will have to counter myself, because I recently met love in its purest form. I didnt see it in a person, I saw it in a pair of eyes.

I dont't know how we became friends. It was such a natural process that we were really close before i was conscious about it. It happened so swiftly and smoothly.
Within a month I knew most about him, and we used to talk endlessly. It was one such day that I had the encounter with love. He was talking about death. He was talking about life after death and what I saw in his eyes was love. I recognised it the minute i saw. There it was... the eyes full of love. He continued to talk about death and all I could see was love. I knew he was thinking about his estranged lover, that he was feeling it all again, and i could see it in those eyes. And then I realised it exists, and i felt bad for the girl. She was not blessed enough to have it. I wondered why he sees death in love and why he confuses love with death. I could see the longing, a full heart and myriad emotions all in those eyes and he was talking about cancer(read as death). On a completely different occasion, he was talking about how he had to let her go, and then he talked about suicide and i saw it again.He was looking at me, but he was seeing something beyond... I saw the longing... I saw it and I felt it... and now I know it exists.

Am sorry dear friend

What is it that is lacking? That magical something, which would have made this life so complete. Why has it evaded me so long... Will it never come to me. The little softness that stays always a touch away . The little warmth that cause me to shed dry tears in those hours of solitude. Meaningless day dreams, illusions, the sand castles i build for myself. That longingness which would force to compromise. The long silence, the huge gap, the heavy vacuum. Cant stand it anymore. Come, bind me, throttle me, suffocate me, swallow me. Get out of my heart, you are hurting me.

Chapter 31 Journeying through a dream

I turned the page of the book I was reading. But while I was reading the second line of the fresh page, I looked up. A tall guy was preparing to sit in the cabin I was seated. I sighed. It was already full. An old woman, an older woman and an older man was seated on the berth opposite mine. And on the berth I was seated, there were two old men and a woman around 30 had squeezed in between me and the man. There was a man already sleeping on the upper berth opposite mine. It was to this crowded cabin, the tall, handome chap proposed to enter.

There was only one place to squeeze in; that was on the berth opposite mine, between the older lady and the old man. He did the obvious.

We were all in a train.

I continued to read. I felt something and looked up, and I caught the guy looking at me. I immediately looked down back at my book as he looked away. Well this was interesting. He must have been looking at me for quiet some time for me to feel that and look up. Does he know me? No way he did not look familiar. Suddenly I heard his deep voice on the phone talking to his friend. I relaxed and continued to read.

Another page turned and I frowned, that was the last page. My book had got over and I had no other book with me. How will I kill time?

I finished the last two paragraph of my book – collection of short stories of M Mukundan- as slowly as it was possible for me to read. Then I went through each and every page of the book to confirm I had not missed a story. The guy was still talking on the phone and making little notes in a notepad. I withdrew my eyes so that I wouldn’t be caught looking at him.

Then it started to rain. I took the bolt of the window glass and proceeded to slowly pull it down. I felt his gaze at the back of my hand. Then I felt the window not responding to my push and two thing happened simultaneously. I noticed that the bolt had moved in again, thus bolting the glass mid way, and a swift hand, a long muscular hand had moved in the direction of the window. Next second another two things happened, this too simultaneously. I pulled out the bolt and his hand fell limply on his thigh. I didn’t look in his direction.

I tried to act natural. I tried not to look at him. I wanted to look at him, not because he was very attractive, but because of mere curiosity. As I tried to not do two things together, I ended up looking left to right, right to left, top to bottom and bottom to top. Every time my eyes passed him it lingered a second longer then it was strictly necessary. I cursed myself and looked outside, after checking my mobile to see the exact time. How long will it take this train to get me home. Then I heard a movement and looked up. The man on the upper berth was preparing to come down. I saw out of the corner of the eyes that he too mechanically looked up. He obviously noticed the sudden jerk of my head and reacted naturally. So he must have been looking at me. Why can’t he just go back to talking on phone? The man on top got down safely and went away, and I looked down. I could feel his eyes on me, why can’t he stop staring. What did I do? Do I have something funny on my face? Is my cloth right? I felt too self conscious. I kept my head bowed down. Then the woman next to me suddenly looked in my direction and looked at him, then back at me. I felt my skin burning. This is embarrassing; people are noticing. I could feel the woman glaring at the guy now. May be this will do the job. He will look away. He can’t be staring at me because I am attractive. I am closer to ugly than attractive. I was well below average. He is handsome, beyond doubt. What the hell is wrong with him. I could still feel his eyes on me and I looked at him, maybe unconsciously I don’t know, and he caught my eye and gestured he wants water. There were three people sitting next to him. There were two people seated immediately opposite him, and he waited patiently for me to look up at him to ask for water. I had not drank water during the journey, so he doesn’t even know if I had water.

But I had something to drink, I had Slice with me which I had bought from the station. I reached for the bottle in my bag and gave it to him. He looked at the bottle and looked surprised, seeing it is not water and smiled. I smiled back at him. He had asked for water and I had supplied juice. That is definitely a good bargain. He took one small gulp and passed the bottle back at me, and muttered thanks. I said no problem. The woman’s disapproving stare shifted between us.

The train pulled up at a station. I pulled up the glass of the window and narrowed my eyes to see a signboard which would tell me where we were.

“Which station is it?” The old man asked from across the seat.

“Kollam” I replied sighing. There was still a long way to go to reach home.

Suddenly the guy jumped up, grabbed the bag from under the seat, where he had kept it and hurried to get down.

All of us were surprised, that he forgot he had to get down.

“He must have been dreaming” the woman next to me opined.

Others smiled. I didn’t. I don’t know if I was relieved. I knew I should be. But somehow I felt the train journey so damn boring again. And I realized I don’t remember his face. I had forgotten it the minute he got up and left. He should have spared me one last look. So that I could remember that face for at least a day or two. I stared unseeingly out of the window.

The train had started to move. And I suddenly saw him standing on the platform and looking into the train. The train passed him. And I had realized it is him a little too late. I leaned to look through the window at the guy standing there. His head was down and it was too dark to see anything clearly.

But he had got what I had wanted. One last look, to not forget the face.

Chapter 30 No...

Isn’t it so damn easy to answer in the affirmative? It pleases everyone, it spreads positive energy, it fills hearts with joy. But it is the easy choice; not always the best.

It takes more than a normal heart to say a bold no, when it is so easy to say yes and solve problems. But don’t we regret the next second after letting yes flow out of our mouth because we are so weak to let that No resound in the air.

Yes makes you good, yes makes you acceptable in society, yes makes you everyone favourite, yes makes you nice, yes makes you sweet, but No gives you identity.

To say No to a bunch of red rose with love filled petals, to say No to a blackmail laced with love, to say No to the ultimate temptation, to say No to the request of a loved one because you think the answer is No, to say No when your heart says yes and your brain says No, to say No because you think the answer is a big No, and to say No when you expect the other one to say yes, takes courage.

Yes is easy, but No has a class. No is the negative word, No breaks heart, No creates distances may be not coverable in a lifetime, but have the courage to say No, if you are sure it allows you to be yourself.