Chapter 28 Fallen in Love

I know it is a beautiful feeling. But I have always tried to stay away from it. But this one time is special. I have fallen in love.

Many a time I had wondered what is in that twinkling eyes that makes me think about it again and again. Many a time you tried to fool me by closing my eyes from behind. But I knew it was you, I could always feel you around me.

I can see you right in front of me though I know you are miles away from me. The way you used to look at me, with your head tilted sideways with a little smile and the way your eyes used to twinkle.

I wish I could read your mind. I wish I could peep into it and see my own face reflected there. I don’t know what emotion you have for me. But I could feel the love, but it can’t be that as well.

I remember that soft touch on my shoulder and the way you used to pat my cheeks lightly, that was different coz others pull my cheek, I could feel the difference in it.

I remember that smile of yours that only I could see, when I expressed my doubts about a theory you were proving in class. What was the meaning of it? I could feel that smile, I could see that smile I could feel it in my heart, I wish I knew what is in your heart.

The naughty smile you used to reserve only for me, those little chit chats we had about our nostalgic memories, those went on for hours, but I thought time just flew away.

I remember how we became friends, how can I forget that one? But only we will know about it, to keep it safe in our locked hearts, to carry it to our graves…

Others know about it, but they don’t know its importance!

I want that photo we took together; unfortunately I don’t remember who took it, for I was too nervous. But I remember many of our friends took it when they saw us posing…

I remember that stupid quote my friends keep saying, that all good men are either taken or gay… I know you are taken… but are you really???

Can I dream a little dream of my own? Can I see you coming to meet me after many years? I don’t know. I don’t know what those twinkling eyes meant! I don’t know what those soft smiles meant, I don’t know what those days meant, when you would come up to me, sit with me for a long time and chat with me for anything and everything. I knew there was always a hug there, hiding between us. I don’t know why it never came to us if there was nothing between us.

I love you…

chapter 7

How did I forget to fall in love? Love had easily come to me… I don’t feel it anymore… I know I love my parents, I know I love my sister, I know I love my friends. But I don’t feel it anymore. But why ?
Love in all form is selfish. We like to love others because of the satisfaction we get when we love someone… there is a feeling which cant be explained, associated with the emotion of love. We like others to love us because of that feeling. It is a beautiful feeling to be in love. Selfishness in it doesn’t poison it. It is beautiful, fascinating and refreshing.
Here, the problem I have encountered is that though I know I love many people I can no longer feel it. I am failing to experience the joy of love.
I have fallen in love many times. Some of it was for moderately long periods as in almost one month. But there was one love which lasted for almost two years. The beauty of it all is that it was always one way. My lover never suspected me of loving him. So it was all very exciting. The little secret, deep in my heart which made me very special for myself, just for myself!!! I treasured it deep inside me. Why did it leave me all of a sudden? It is almost two years now since I fell in love. It startles me to believe it.
I don’t feel the love inside me, the compassion inside me, the pain in me, the anger in me, the disgust in me, the peace in me…the last two years I haven’t even written a single story, a single diary entry which reflects the true me… why?

Am I growing up?
If this is growing up I would definitely have preferred to be made a bonsai.