Am sorry dear friend

What is it that is lacking? That magical something, which would have made this life so complete. Why has it evaded me so long... Will it never come to me. The little softness that stays always a touch away . The little warmth that cause me to shed dry tears in those hours of solitude. Meaningless day dreams, illusions, the sand castles i build for myself. That longingness which would force to compromise. The long silence, the huge gap, the heavy vacuum. Cant stand it anymore. Come, bind me, throttle me, suffocate me, swallow me. Get out of my heart, you are hurting me.

Chapter 31 Journeying through a dream

I turned the page of the book I was reading. But while I was reading the second line of the fresh page, I looked up. A tall guy was preparing to sit in the cabin I was seated. I sighed. It was already full. An old woman, an older woman and an older man was seated on the berth opposite mine. And on the berth I was seated, there were two old men and a woman around 30 had squeezed in between me and the man. There was a man already sleeping on the upper berth opposite mine. It was to this crowded cabin, the tall, handome chap proposed to enter.

There was only one place to squeeze in; that was on the berth opposite mine, between the older lady and the old man. He did the obvious.

We were all in a train.

I continued to read. I felt something and looked up, and I caught the guy looking at me. I immediately looked down back at my book as he looked away. Well this was interesting. He must have been looking at me for quiet some time for me to feel that and look up. Does he know me? No way he did not look familiar. Suddenly I heard his deep voice on the phone talking to his friend. I relaxed and continued to read.

Another page turned and I frowned, that was the last page. My book had got over and I had no other book with me. How will I kill time?

I finished the last two paragraph of my book – collection of short stories of M Mukundan- as slowly as it was possible for me to read. Then I went through each and every page of the book to confirm I had not missed a story. The guy was still talking on the phone and making little notes in a notepad. I withdrew my eyes so that I wouldn’t be caught looking at him.

Then it started to rain. I took the bolt of the window glass and proceeded to slowly pull it down. I felt his gaze at the back of my hand. Then I felt the window not responding to my push and two thing happened simultaneously. I noticed that the bolt had moved in again, thus bolting the glass mid way, and a swift hand, a long muscular hand had moved in the direction of the window. Next second another two things happened, this too simultaneously. I pulled out the bolt and his hand fell limply on his thigh. I didn’t look in his direction.

I tried to act natural. I tried not to look at him. I wanted to look at him, not because he was very attractive, but because of mere curiosity. As I tried to not do two things together, I ended up looking left to right, right to left, top to bottom and bottom to top. Every time my eyes passed him it lingered a second longer then it was strictly necessary. I cursed myself and looked outside, after checking my mobile to see the exact time. How long will it take this train to get me home. Then I heard a movement and looked up. The man on the upper berth was preparing to come down. I saw out of the corner of the eyes that he too mechanically looked up. He obviously noticed the sudden jerk of my head and reacted naturally. So he must have been looking at me. Why can’t he just go back to talking on phone? The man on top got down safely and went away, and I looked down. I could feel his eyes on me, why can’t he stop staring. What did I do? Do I have something funny on my face? Is my cloth right? I felt too self conscious. I kept my head bowed down. Then the woman next to me suddenly looked in my direction and looked at him, then back at me. I felt my skin burning. This is embarrassing; people are noticing. I could feel the woman glaring at the guy now. May be this will do the job. He will look away. He can’t be staring at me because I am attractive. I am closer to ugly than attractive. I was well below average. He is handsome, beyond doubt. What the hell is wrong with him. I could still feel his eyes on me and I looked at him, maybe unconsciously I don’t know, and he caught my eye and gestured he wants water. There were three people sitting next to him. There were two people seated immediately opposite him, and he waited patiently for me to look up at him to ask for water. I had not drank water during the journey, so he doesn’t even know if I had water.

But I had something to drink, I had Slice with me which I had bought from the station. I reached for the bottle in my bag and gave it to him. He looked at the bottle and looked surprised, seeing it is not water and smiled. I smiled back at him. He had asked for water and I had supplied juice. That is definitely a good bargain. He took one small gulp and passed the bottle back at me, and muttered thanks. I said no problem. The woman’s disapproving stare shifted between us.

The train pulled up at a station. I pulled up the glass of the window and narrowed my eyes to see a signboard which would tell me where we were.

“Which station is it?” The old man asked from across the seat.

“Kollam” I replied sighing. There was still a long way to go to reach home.

Suddenly the guy jumped up, grabbed the bag from under the seat, where he had kept it and hurried to get down.

All of us were surprised, that he forgot he had to get down.

“He must have been dreaming” the woman next to me opined.

Others smiled. I didn’t. I don’t know if I was relieved. I knew I should be. But somehow I felt the train journey so damn boring again. And I realized I don’t remember his face. I had forgotten it the minute he got up and left. He should have spared me one last look. So that I could remember that face for at least a day or two. I stared unseeingly out of the window.

The train had started to move. And I suddenly saw him standing on the platform and looking into the train. The train passed him. And I had realized it is him a little too late. I leaned to look through the window at the guy standing there. His head was down and it was too dark to see anything clearly.

But he had got what I had wanted. One last look, to not forget the face.

Chapter 30 No...

Isn’t it so damn easy to answer in the affirmative? It pleases everyone, it spreads positive energy, it fills hearts with joy. But it is the easy choice; not always the best.

It takes more than a normal heart to say a bold no, when it is so easy to say yes and solve problems. But don’t we regret the next second after letting yes flow out of our mouth because we are so weak to let that No resound in the air.

Yes makes you good, yes makes you acceptable in society, yes makes you everyone favourite, yes makes you nice, yes makes you sweet, but No gives you identity.

To say No to a bunch of red rose with love filled petals, to say No to a blackmail laced with love, to say No to the ultimate temptation, to say No to the request of a loved one because you think the answer is No, to say No when your heart says yes and your brain says No, to say No because you think the answer is a big No, and to say No when you expect the other one to say yes, takes courage.

Yes is easy, but No has a class. No is the negative word, No breaks heart, No creates distances may be not coverable in a lifetime, but have the courage to say No, if you are sure it allows you to be yourself.

Chapter 29 Grand father’s brother and his wife

Right from my child hood, children have loved me unconditionally. My father being the youngest in his family, all my cousins are many years elder to me. So instead of playing with my cousins, I grew up playing with my nephews and nieces. My eldest niece is just one year younger to me and my youngest nephew was born 18 days ago. So now you know what I mean, it is a large family too.

All of them call me chitta which means aunty. Some of them play with me even now, some of them have vague memories of playing with me, some of them gets surprised by the way I play with my other nieces and nephews. But there is one nephew of mine whom I have never seen.

He was born and brought up in London. So I never really got a chance to meet him. Recently he came to my house for the first time. But I was away in college so I couldn’t meet him. But something he said as quoted by my mother impressed me.

When he saw my mom and dad he recognized them and said in English. “Grand pa, isn’t this your brother and his wife?”

I thought that line was one of the most innocent lines I ever heard. When I came to think of it I have heard a couple of other ones as well from my nieces and nephews which are equally innocent or more so.

My young niece was telling my young nephew one day

“Adi, do you know something? Our ammumma (grand mother) is our appoppan’s (grand father’s) wife!

To which adi replied

“hey stop telling such fat lies!”

My little nephew who is born and brought up in the states came to my home. We had a plastic bird at home which would fly in a circle with battery. He was fascinated by the bird and asked me immediately where is its battery.

I was totally impressed. He was just 3 years old and he realized it runs on battery on first sight itself. Another nephew of mine who has been in Kerala all his life had actually gotten so surprised and asked me if the bird is alive when I had showed it to him. So while I was musing on the higher intellectual level of my US born nephew, he asked his next question.

Chiita, does the birds in the sky also run on batteries?

The question touched me. And then I wished he had never seen the US

Chapter 28 Fallen in Love

I know it is a beautiful feeling. But I have always tried to stay away from it. But this one time is special. I have fallen in love.

Many a time I had wondered what is in that twinkling eyes that makes me think about it again and again. Many a time you tried to fool me by closing my eyes from behind. But I knew it was you, I could always feel you around me.

I can see you right in front of me though I know you are miles away from me. The way you used to look at me, with your head tilted sideways with a little smile and the way your eyes used to twinkle.

I wish I could read your mind. I wish I could peep into it and see my own face reflected there. I don’t know what emotion you have for me. But I could feel the love, but it can’t be that as well.

I remember that soft touch on my shoulder and the way you used to pat my cheeks lightly, that was different coz others pull my cheek, I could feel the difference in it.

I remember that smile of yours that only I could see, when I expressed my doubts about a theory you were proving in class. What was the meaning of it? I could feel that smile, I could see that smile I could feel it in my heart, I wish I knew what is in your heart.

The naughty smile you used to reserve only for me, those little chit chats we had about our nostalgic memories, those went on for hours, but I thought time just flew away.

I remember how we became friends, how can I forget that one? But only we will know about it, to keep it safe in our locked hearts, to carry it to our graves…

Others know about it, but they don’t know its importance!

I want that photo we took together; unfortunately I don’t remember who took it, for I was too nervous. But I remember many of our friends took it when they saw us posing…

I remember that stupid quote my friends keep saying, that all good men are either taken or gay… I know you are taken… but are you really???

Can I dream a little dream of my own? Can I see you coming to meet me after many years? I don’t know. I don’t know what those twinkling eyes meant! I don’t know what those soft smiles meant, I don’t know what those days meant, when you would come up to me, sit with me for a long time and chat with me for anything and everything. I knew there was always a hug there, hiding between us. I don’t know why it never came to us if there was nothing between us.

I love you…

Chapter 27 - BFs and GFs, Keep your troubles to yourselves!!!

To all the boy friends and girl friends in this World,

This i s an open letter, addressed to you guys.

I want to ask you a simple question, why don't you keep your troubles to yourself? Don't you think I have a point?

You fight with him/her, too bad! I, like a good friend sympathise with you and join you to say how mean of him/her to do/say so. You cry, I try to comfort you, you stop crying and you say all bad things about him/her and then asks my opinion and I try very hard to play a diplomat and try to evade that question.(At times I get so wild I agree to you that he/she is indeed a moron). and then you get a call from your boy/girl friend and there it start again, you cry, harder than ever, for two hours you disappear from the scene with your phone and comes back with swollen eyes, problem, not solved but forgiven and forgotten. Ridiculous, if this is all it would last why call him/her names 2 minutes ago and make me call names as well? If you know it is going to be solves why create an issue and cry and make others listen to you. If it happens once in a while, I can understand. But this happens everyday and I believe you guys call up to fight so that you can cry and later forgive the whole damn issue. (In fact there is no damn issue at all in the first place!)

Its just problems, fights, solving it all, and the time you spend on phone is atrocious. the use it can be put to is countless.

Why waste your time in all this nonsense and why waste other's time, by recounting each and every detail of the conversation. You guys get so engrossed in your story, you forget to see my bored eyes and yawns that you cant possible miss!

So I have just one thing to tell you all, please keep your troubles to yourself, if I was interested in trouble, I would have had a boy friend. Isn't it so obvious that I am not interested in this

meaningless activities, by the mere fact that I am single? Please keep your troubles to yourselves.

Chapter 26 - The last one about you...

Having said a lot about you I would like to tell you one last thing.

You changed my life... for good or for bad... I dont know.

You taught me what life is and you taught me to be cautious...

You taught me to trust no one and you taught me to be skeptical, you taught me to hate friendship and you taught me to be indifferent.

You gave me bad experiences and made me believe 'that is the way it is'

You taught me life is bad and taught me to be harsh...

The damages you did were irreparable... you killed the me in me and the new me is unknown to me.

Result?

I hurt people without wanting to hurt them and I struggle with myself when I find me behaving in way most unlike me.

You changed me...

I wouldn't ask you why you did it because that wouldn't help me.

I don't like anyone i dont trust anyone I dont want to be friendly to any one

I don't expect anything from people... and I tell this on their face...

I hurt them, I hurt myself and I hope (I am sorry) I had never met you at all...

Why did I think I could trust you?

Why did you prove me wrong?