Chapter 25 - Love myth!

Only unfulfilled Love is romantic! And there is no such thing called Love in this world. Oh it does exist... in Bollywood movies, and all other wood movies, then in some books. Oh authors are one genre of people who still haven't lost hope of finding this non existing thing in the world. Or are they part of a conspiracy to mislead people into believing it exists in the world? Well I dont know!

She is 22 years old and the latest development in her life is that she has become a vegetarian. Though she doesn't create an issue if there is no non veg in her diet she would have liked to have fish fry or chilly chicken every day in her diet. But that was a month ago. Now she is a strict vegetarian and she doesn't even think of having chicken and as she goes to get food in her hostel the staff has realised that she has become a vegetarian. They mechanically gives her vegetarian food and doesn't look surprised when she stands in the vegetarian queue.

"Oh are you a non veg" he asked

"yes", she replied matter of factlyand looked up.

It was then she looked up into his face and decided to become a veg.

He was looking genuinely disappointed. She was used to the surprise looks. As a habit people assumed her to be a vegetarian. Henca she was used to saying yes with a casual expression on her face.

This was not a surprise. It was disappointment, the face looked sad, oh u betrayed me kind of look. She was taken aback but tried to look defensive. 'So what kind of look' But she knew something happened in her. Deep inside her and though she ate the chicken she had taken she became a veggie immediately afterwards.

She had no feelings for him. She did not love him. She doesn't know if he loved her and even if he did, she would never encourage it and there was no emotional involvement in this. But what she realised is that somebody badly wants her to be a veggie and she cant resist that much of a desire. the flow of energy was too much, she knew she would fail if she resisted.

She became a vegetarian.

"How lame" thought I.-

Chapter 24 - When Life Was About Quarrels and Reconcilations

I remember, very clearly, those days when i was a pukka gunda. I dont remember the reasons for me shouting at people. But I used to... plenty of times... at almost everyone... Did I really have that much hard feelings against them? I dont think so. was I as bad as I projected myself to be? I dont think so... then why did I behave like that? Well I dont know! But I was so, the gunda, the angry girl, far from anything that is friendly.

These are times when I used to think one has to quarrel daily to be good friends. Now when I think back I wonder why people were still nice to me! I used to think, to be able to quarrel with one's friends and then forget all about the differnces and be friends again is the best feeling in any friendship. Well, I realised only I thought so. People used to think I am wierd and funny, I suppose. Funny, not in the right sense of the word, but as someone who is just not sociable enough. But I used to make it a point to talk to them normally, atleast a day after the quarrel. But the surprise and confusion on the face of others used to make me feel really bad. They all thought I am a mad dog I suppose.

One incident that really made me feel bad was when a friend (I thought he is a friend, but I suppose he thought I am a rabid dog as well) played a prank on me, on the advise of his crooked friend, and his reaction afterwards. He looked so scared, I felt horrible. He expected me to shout at him I suppose. But that expectation hurt me so badly... Till date I cant forget that incident. That is when I finally realised I cant get out of this stigma about me... My belief had failed me. Nobody understood me asI am . May be I didnt give anyone that chance. May be...

The image once got is hard to shed... And I am still in that stigma, atleast in that circle of friends. But I rectified my mistake as soon as I entered a new environment.

We are allowed to make mistakes. But we are not allowed to repeat those mistakes. Because I know how a mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life... I Know... Very well... Trust Me...

Chapter 23 - Straight From My Dairy!

September 09, 2009
I was walking and I could feel the eyes following me! I felt nude even in my Salwar Kamees. I wished I had a Burkha, I wanted to cover myself. I drew my duppatta close to me. I wanted to run away. I wish I could stare back at them. I could feel it here there and everywhere. I wish they stopped it. What are they searching for? What did they want.

******

I walked in my white sari, boldly with my head held high. I could see those x ray eyes again, yellow and mean. But it didnt touch me. It did not dare to do so. I didnt care. I knew this would not affect me, never again. I knew they could never reach me... I stared straight at them, my stare never wavered, but I saw that the yellow eyes couldnt hold it any more and I knew I had triumphed!

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November 22, 2007

I looked at my phone, it was so silent. i started going through the numbers... why am I doing this? I know it is not there... I had deleted that number. More than that I knew that number by heart... But do I really want to use it?

To come barging into someone's life and go off pretending You had never been there... How comfortable is that?

It hurt me... It made me realise how hard life can be to you. It made me realise how it is to feel a big gaping hole in the middle of my heart. I know you dont feel anything, but I didnt know how you cannot feel anything. Do you remember me atleast at times? atleast to laugh about me,or to think what a nuisance I was, or to think what a fool I am or may be to wonder what I'm doing, or where I am. Why do I feel this heart wrenching grief, why do I feel something has happened to you. why cant I just check and see if everything is all right. dont you know you were my greatest asset, my secret keeper... Someone to share everything with, someone for me to scold at, and someone to hear all I say, but not judge.

May be you never realised, how much you meant to me... May be you are teaching me the biggest lesson ever. and I realise the full meaning of it now. Nothing in my life would surprise me ever, Life can t give me a shock anymore, I have become numb.

I renamed you... exbest friend...

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December 1, 2007

Moderately happy day... looking forward to going home. Really? Oh I'm mad... Why am I talking to myself these days? Dangerous? Is it? How do I know? Achan called Amma called Chechi didnt call... I called, you called, he didnt call.. Oh My God... this is dangerous... potentially harmful to self and the society I suppose... How do I know? Should I meet Radhakrishnan uncle? May be I should! You never know!!!

Ha Ha Ha!!!

He will allow me to be this way!

I must thank him in the dedication page of my book(if I write one, ofcourse I will write one!)

for allowing me to remain as insane as ever and for telling me this is sanity!!!

Page got over, page got over, page got over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

******

Chapter 22 - Bikeless in Bangalore

Bangalore is one of the most unsafe cities to drive. The traffic blocks are a night mare and the entire system is haywire.
Still i want to have a bike. Only the Bike less in Bangalore will understand what i mean. BMTC buses are there, autos are there taxis are there. But Bikelessness is a state which only the bikeless will understand.
BMTC buses for sure connects the city. But if you have to go somewhere you will have to change at least 2 buses. Autos are a bad option since auto wallahs here (as everywhere) are merciless and if you don't know the way, will cheat you for sure. And it is not very easy to know the way in Bangalore. The way to come back from a place is definitely not the way you take to go. So it is exceedingly confusing. there are many ring roads and fly overs and nagars and hallis, all designed to confuse you.
Last day i went to my brother's place in HSR layout. I live in kumbalgudu which is in Kengeri Hobli. It is a long journey. But i should not ideally take more than two and a half hours.
I started at 11:00. walked 2 kilo meters to reach the bus stop, waited for 45 minutes to get a bus. The bus took me till Kengeri Bus stop. From there I took a bus to Majestic which is the common name for Kampegowda Bus Station. I waited for around one hour there. Finally got a bus which would take me near my Brother's abode. I was going to my brother's place for the first time. He lived in CPWD quarters in HSR layout. I didn't know the place well. But he had told me buses pass right infront of his quarters and had advised me to jump out of the bus if I saw the quarters.
And I jumped!
I was sitting in the bus sympathising with myself for the ordeal I was going through, when I saw a big arch with CPWD quarters written on it. Wow! i was so relieved! i didnt expect to reach so fast!
But the bus was not stopping, and there was no bus stop in sight. Its ok, I thought. Afterall i have reached!
Bus went more than half a kilometer ahead and stopped. It was then I jumped.
As soon as I jumped i called my brother and told him I have reached. Just to make sure I asked him
"isnt this the CPWD quarters near Survey of India quarters?"
"Survey of India? i have not seen it." By brother said.
"what nonsense! "I thought," my brother needs to get out of his house some time and look around him. He is such a non brothish brother!"
Just to make sure i asked him "Isnt it near a college?"
"No Thulsi, I havent seen it"
"OK fine, I am coming, the bus has stopped some distance from your quarters, so it will take some time for me to walk"
"OK, when you reach the gate you will find a sentry, bored to death and dozzing. wake him up and ask for block 4, room 919"
"OK agreed" I said.
Rightly enough a sentry was sitting there, dozzing off and I boldly walked in.
My Brother called
"Dont you see a building right in front of you?'
"Yes I do!"
"take a road to the right there, you will reach in front of my block then, I am coming out as well." I walked as he advised and reached a dog kennel instead of his house!"
I called up my brother,
"where are you"
I am in front of my house"
"great! stand there and rot"
"hey if you take the way I asked you to, you will bump into me!"
There was nobody to bump into in the place I was standing, I could bump into the dog if I wanted to but the prospect didnt interest me!"
I got fed up of my Brother and decided to approach the sentry.
Dozzing or not Dozzing, he is after all a Sentry.
"Anna! block 44 elli?" (Where is block 44?)
"kelgande hogi, kelgede hogi" (Go down the road!)
"kelgade elli?" (where exactly down the lane?"
"Block number 44u, HSR Layout"
"HSR LAyout?"
He nodded
"ethu yaavathu ooru?" (where am I now? )
"koramangala"
I gaped at him! and then I realised I should not be gaping, I started my walk back to the bus stop and joined around 15 people who were waiting for the bus. A bus came and i jumped and ran to it and asked
'HSR layout Hogitha?' (will the bus go to HSR layout)
'hogala', the conductor replied.
Some 10 of my fellow 'waiters' who didn't show half the excitement I showed, hopped on the bus. But I was shortly joined by another 7-8 people and I didnt miss them at all. Buses kept coming and I kept repeating my dialogue. [this is one of the first lines i learned in Kannada, only after Hotte hasitha edde(i am hungry)]
The conductors had no new replies to give.
After around 45 minutes my brother called me and on realising I am still at the bus stop came to pick me up on his bike.
I reached his house at 5:00 pm.
Even when I came back the next day, I changed 4 buses.

Am I not justified when I say Bikelessness is a phenomenon that only the 'doomed to suffer' are left to suffer?
The joy of speeding on it in the empty Kumbalgudu roads and the joy of offering lift to friends... the joy of smirking at the BMTC buses, the joy of showing faces at the auto wallas!
Well! i talked to my mom about it!
Her reply was "Oh! pinne nadannum buselum pokavunnidathu poyal mathi. Enikku pinne oru samadhanavum undavilla" [Yeah right! You go to places where you can get buses or where you can walk to, only. I wouldn't have any peace here otherwise.] I didn't even have the guts to suggest it to my father!
She is scared of accidents. But BMTC buses also meet with accidents and pedestrians also get hit. So why cant I drive? I have license for heaven's sake. Does this mean my parents trust BMTC buse drivers more than me? May be! But they have not experienced Bikelessness in Bangalore.
Like I told you, only 'Bikeless in Bangalore' will understand me!

Chapter 21 - Friendship is a MYTH!

Chapter 20 - JPEeeees I Miss Thee!!!

As I looked at my class one last time I felt a pang, an unexpected one. I was feeling as indifferent as ever on the last day and I was not prepared for the lump that came to my throat and Nibin who was simply moving from one corner of the class to the other corner and watching it with a curious smile did not help me. He was obviously enjoying the last moments and trying to keep it etched in his memories.

My class... the class with whom i studied for three long years and watched myself transform into an adult, the class which accepted me for what I am, the class which was so accommodating, the class which was crazy in its own way, the class which was simply irksome at times, the class which was so indifferent at times and so active at other times (all collectively)... I JUST MISS IT ALL.

I miss Ruthy who was always there at one turn of my head for me to make faces at during a boring class... Oh how much I miss doing it... There was a particular joy in doing that and seeing her laughter. I miss her a lot! she was such a dear... Cute and sensitive and sensible and just so lovely!

I miss Ashwini who was always ready to be distracted from class and start a signing campaign! She used to sit right next to me and we use to religiously sign page after page admiring each of it and cracking stupid jokes, all when a Professor strained his/her throat trying to teach us.

I miss Nibin! He was Mr doubty. How I used to hate it when he openend his mouth to ask a doubt! I even started a 'I hate Nibin Club' in class. How we became friends after it and how he used to laugh at my jokes and how he used to pull my leg. How he used to be a pest always and always. He was so annoying! but I miss him a lot... it was just nice to have some one to annoy you all the time!

I miss Sujithra... our dear Suji/Susheeeee.... Oh her mere presence brightened up the place and hw we used to just look at each other and know what the other had in her mind and also laugh without really laughing so that only we know that we are laughing! Oh I miss those Theatre and mime practices with her! The jokes we shared... the fun we had... the laughs we had... the times we laughed together without even a proper reason... I miss her!

I miss Jeena... Oh how I use to just look at her and forget all my worries! The confused expression on her face, the fun we had! the theatre adn Mime practices...

Oh I cant go on!
Memories are very tricky! They make you feel really good and yet manage to make you feel bad! We laugh even as the tears flow down! We cry even as we laugh out loud... We cry thinking of all the good times we had and laugh at ourselves for crying...
But I miss my class and all of them... I have named only a few but I miss them all... each and every one of them!
You made my degree one of the most wonderful periods of my life!

Chaptger 19 - The Big Black Hole

That Big Black Hole is too big, bang at the center and piercing deep. The big Black Hole could swallow me! But will it? Oh it will! Why doubt it? That Big Back hole! Will it destroy me? Oh No it wont! It is not that powerful! But it Pulls me,Drags me,hurt me and then ditch me! Is it fair? Who can judge it? Who dares to judge it? The Big Black hole is too small to be a part of my mind! But it is too big to be ignored! The Big Black Hole scares me. Is there anyone who can help me come out? One hand, one long hand, atleast a willing mind? Is there one such thing? A willing mind? Isnt that a myth? The Big Black Hole! that is the only reality. The ultimate reality, ready to engulf me!

Chapter 18 - Tagging is a Sin

I hate doing this!!!
oh let all taggers go to hell...

RULE 1 You can only say Guilty or Innocent
RULE 2You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
RULE 3Copy and paste this into your notes , delete my answers, type in your answers and tag 20 of your friends to answer this.
Cool.. Here they go..!

Asked someone to marry you? Innocent
Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Innocent (urgh!)
Danced on a table in a bar? Innocent
Ever told a lie? Guilty [i shud be hanged if that is a crime]
Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back? Guilty[doesnt that happen all the time?Oh Sreesanth!!!]
Kissed a picture? Innocent
Slept in until 5 PM? Innocent [some1 invariably wakes me up by 3pm.... max is 3]
Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty
Held a snake? Innocent
Been suspended from school? Innocent
Worked at a fast food restaurant? Innocent
Stolen from a store? Innocent
Been fired from a job? Innocent
Done something you regret? Guilty [very very very very guilty]
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Innocent
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Innocent
Kissed in the rain? Innocent
Sat on a roof top? Guilty [Was so cool]
Kissed someone you shouldn’t? Innocent
Sang in the shower? Guilty [ask my neighbours]
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Innocent
Shaved your head? Innocent [No Way!]
Had a boxing membership? Innocent
Made a girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Innocent
Been in a band? Innocent
Shot a gun? Innocent
Donated Blood? Innocent ["oh u you are a girl? no u cant donate. we will try to get some boys... "i hate them all ]
Eaten alligator meat? Innocent
Eaten cheesecake? Innocent
Still love someone you shouldn’t? Innocent
Have/had a tattoo? Guilty [I still remember Mom shouting at me... got it free with some candy]
Liked someone, but will never tell who? Guilty
Been too honest? Guilty [I hate me]
Ruined a surprise? Innocent
Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterwards? Innocent
Erased someone in your friends list? Innocent
Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? Innocent
Joined a pageant? Innocent [that sounds exciting... dont give me ideas]
Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? Guilty [They need to get their eye checked]
Had communication with your ex? Guilty
Got totally drunk on the night before exam? Innocent
Got totally angry that you cried so hard? Guilty

Oh..Thtz ovr now.Now i think its tym for me to TAGG!!.. Ok.. Here 1st i tag Rakesh, then uncle raj(in case he reads it again) and shruthi... plz do it by commenting to this post....

Chapter 17 - Guys and Girls, I'm Sorry I Dont Like You!!!

It was late in the night and I had gone to my friend's room to take a book from her and i was startled by a scream from the next room. I rushed to see what is wrong and saw my classmates huddled in corner with wide eyes and terror on their face and I asked them what happened.
"lizard" came the prompt reply
"so?" i asked.
"we are scared...will it bite? will it fall on us?"
"please don't scare the poor thing, and I haven't heard of people dying due to lizards falling on their heads, so I don't think there is any reason to scream out"
I left the room. I know I was very impatient with them but that is the way I am . I dislike screaming girls, giggling girls and 'I am so weak and I need your support' girls. They are made just to test my patience. The first type would be waiting for a chance to scream out loud and attract attention. They use their technique at all times. Insects, sudden movements and other girls who comes from behind and say 'POP' to scare you (Impossible to get scared with that even if it is 12 midnight and you are out on the roads alone and there is a ghost scare around the place .It is just too feeble to get scared) they will test the shrillness of their voice, wild eyed but still managing a giggle or two. One of these sort can spoil my entire day with their play act. I get so annoyed.
The giggly type just giggles no matter what happens and please don't ask them the reason and embarrass yourself. 101% there is no reason. Please respect that. And the third category is the most annoying of the lot. They put up this pretence that they are so weak and need help to move even one step in life, simply to get favours from others and to make others do their work or simply to get sympathy. In most cases guys fall for them thinking 'oh poor little thing' and usually they are all pretty faces which makes their job even easier. Damsel in distress gotta be helped!
About the chivalrous young gentlemen... To all those who think guys are caring and concerned I would like to tell you how very wrong you are. I have many friends among guys and i can tell you without any bias that none cares anything about me. They might call me (even STD) talk to me for long, listen to whatever i say, laugh with me, say soothing words. But none actually cares. Last day I had to take a rather urgent journey which was quiet dangerous with a female friend of mine. Everyone advised us to take a guy with us.

The problem with the journay was that it was very long and tiring and involved changing buses and it had to be done in the evening and would go on untill late in the night. I was fine going alone but my friend advised me to ask some of the guys and I asked. Nobody said no, but all of them, each and every one of them tried to discourage us from taking the journey only because they didnt want to come with us. It was important otherwise we wouldnt have decided to go. The excuses they made for not coming ranged from 'is it really needed?', you wont get a bus to come back' to 'it will take so long, dont go'. If they dont want to come just dont, please dont decide for us if the journey is important for us or not. Even if i had told my close friends about it, who are away and cant come with me,they wouldnt have cared an ounce and none would have called up throughout the journey to check if we are alright. We had to carry heavy and bulky load, almost 7 to 8 kgs between us plus our hand bags and other stuff. We may not have been able to take calls, but none called guys or girls...

When we came back they welcomed us with 'Oh you took so long' and 'why didnt you let us know that you will be late' amd such crap. If they really cared they would have come with us or least would have called to check.

I know friendship is great and good and all that but this incident left me thinking how many true friend I have...

Chapter 16- The Pessimist

It is all very well to say 'I know nothing good is going to happen to me' or 'I am for sure going to flunk this exam' and so on. But how much of your pessimism do you really want to come true? Or do you want your pessimism to come true just because that is what is you though would come true? What i mean is, if you think that you are going to fail a certain exam and have told some of your friends that you would fail, would you wish to fail?
Imagine that you have not prepared for a class and your friend says 'hopefully she (the teacher) will be absent today' and you say 'i am sure she will be here today because i am not prepared' who would you want to be right?

How much of your pessimism would you want to come true indeed!

I know many a time when I am stubbornly pessimistic about something and pray 24 hours a day to let it not happen. I don't understand the point of being pessimistic then! If you do not want something to happen why do you think it will happen? You might as well think it optimistically and get the peace of mind that pessimism denies you.

But is it possible to be not pessimistic? I guess so! But definitely not by attending those confidence developing course or leadership course or something. It has to be something that we ourselves realise. Or you would say 'how true' when you attend those sessions and then forget all about it. A careful examination of our own thoughts will help you realise how easy it is to get rid of your pessimism.

You dont want it to happen. You infact strongly resist it. Just think for a while. Arent you wasting your time contemplating something you dont want to happen and then hopping for it to not happen?

chapter 14 - Waiting for Noah's Boat

"The world is going to end"
"Yeah right"
"You dont understand... look at all those signs around you, arent they all shouting the same thing... isnt it so obvious? You are so myopic, that is why you dont understand it"
"I see"
"You just shut up ok... just because you dont understand what is going on around you, dont you try to underestimate my findings"
"Dont worry, you'll pass your exam"
"No, everyone is failing in this world. Nothing good is happening here"
"Yeah right!"
"Firstly the recession; everyone lost their job. They dont get new jobs and everything is going haywire, now everyone is confined to their own homes because of Swine Flu, everyone is scared of everyone else. Today some of my seniors got their results. Out of 134 people who appeared for the exam only 2 passed. What do you think about that. It is all going to end. Nothing is gonna work out in the world anymore. What do you think i will do even if i pass my exam? Nothing... it is time we got ready for Noah's boat or worse for the flood to take us away!"
"Yeah i know of that. But we believe at the end of every yuga a huge flood or possibly a tsunami is going to come and wash us all away and then krishna will come in aalila(banyan tree leaf) and thus ends the yuga... may be kalyug is going to end. Kalki might be coming to kill all bad people and thus end the world"

This conversation took place yesterday. The prophesy about the world ending was given by my friend and the indifferent voice is mine.
Though I was indifferent at the time he said that(or rather I was indifferent because he said that) I have given so much of thought to what he said. It is fascinating to just look around and see what is happening around you.

Drought, Swine Flu, Terrorism, Fight Over Oil, War, Poverty, Suicide, Unemployment, Death, Destruction.

When terrorists held our country hostage for over 2 days i said to myself - 'kalyug'
When recession hit the world and i saw well qualified professionals being kicked out of their jobs, I said to myself - 'kalyug'
When I counted to myself people dying one by one and as the death toll due to swine increased, I said to myself - 'kalyug'
When I saw hospitals overflowing with masked people trying to confirm they are not suffering from swine flu I said to myself - 'Kalyug'
When I saw the anchors of TV channels scream 'Do Not Panic' with face full of panic I was too fed up to say 'Kalyug'
How do I know it is not the end? How do I know kalki is not operating this entire drama behind the screens and laughing at us for being what we are...

It is not scary it is fascinating...

May be it is all going to end pretty soon...
What will I like to do before it ends?
No No No... its too personal to be revealed here...
It is fascinating to know death and destruction awaits us at the next bend...

fascinating it is...

chapter 13 Last Week

my past week can be represented by some words and phrases i heard. it is embedded in my brains that i can recollect it easily. please read it and let me know what u think my week was like



are u mad at me, straight from the heart, BULL SHIT, so cute, 9th best friend, GET OUT, i killed 5 terrorists, SO WHAT, dead line is 9 am, happy friendship day,basic errors, what is news?, we are late, the pics were cute but the best were those lines, you will be fined heavily, love you, hey i got u back, after a Long time, i miss u, school master stuff, deadlines are sacrosanct

chapter 12 the lost childhood

Some changes around us happen so quietly and gradually that we barely take note of them. It might take us a really long time to notice such changes. They wouldn’t be matters that concern us everyday. But still we would have got so used to them unknowingly that one fine day when you notice finally that the irreversible change has occurred already it would be too late to do something about it. We will start blaming ourselves for the neglect, for taking it for granted for allowing it to take place without even a slight protest from our side. But some other times it will simply leave a scar on our hearts to remain raw throughout our lives.

When I was a kid I never enjoyed studying and always looked for a reason to get up from my study table. I always came up with good number of excuses to shirk. It used to range from something interesting that happened in my class which I want to share with my mother, to drink water or to ask a doubt or mosquitoes biting me or even pains and aches all over my body. One friend of mine who use to give me an excellent excuse every year without fail was fireflies. After summer when we are awaiting rainfalls, this friend of mine would come in thousands and help me escape my text books. Many a time I have looked out of a window and seen brown coloured something rising up in the air and coming out of the earth and felt a surging happiness inside me. I knew exactly what is to be done. It was the fire flies coming out of the earth to live the few seconds of life they are destined to live. All of us would rush around the house closing the windows and doors to avoid the insects coming in. but it would find its way invariably through air holes and start haunting all the lights in our house. then we would switch off all the lights in the house and switch on the lights outside our house so that they would all fly out of my house. and once we switch off the lights i need not study right? but as short lived as they are it would take only minutes for all of them to die leaving us in a eerie silence, for they have a characteristic sound of their own when they come in search of lights. how many times, as a little kid, i have wondered where it is coming from wondering whether they live in underground homes and even searching for them in the mud by digging soil with little twigs, and in the process discovering doodle bug but never the house of fireflies. it is all part of my childhood that i never really bothered about but gives me immense pleasure to simply think about now. the innocent me, the little me, the child in me...

but where are the fire flies now? i havent seen them for years now. is it extinct/ have the changes in soil, environment and even climate made it impossible for them to live in this place? are thay extinct? has a part of my childhood become a distant memory that i would never experienceit again to relive the innocence of a lost chilhood?

chapter 11 perspectives

Perspectives always interest me a lot. to hear two sides of a story is almost always like hearing two different things. it is so interesting to see how opinions and views can alter the way different people perceive the same thing. one important lesson i learned recently is you can never see anyone who is having exactly the same perspective a you have. if some one told you 'exactly what i was thinking'
BEWARE.
they are lying

if someone reacted the way u expected them to i tell you they did that just to satisfy u and in their mind they might have had a good laugh about it.
if someone says 'How True' to something u say please ask them why do u think so too.... most of the time they wouldnt have an answer, or they would simply repeat whatever u said. i know i am sounding a little skeptic. i intent to sound so. i simply dont trust them. my journalism teacher mr frammolino says, 'if your mother says she loves you, ask her for proof'
i am not that skeptical about anything, but i simply cant believe anything because I am sure i am right about people. you might say something very important to someone and be satisfied with the way He/She has reacted, only to find they dont even have a vague recollection of what you said. you might say something very confidentially to someone who vouches secracy only to leave you there and spread the story everywhere. you might tell an incident to someone and think they completely sided with you only to be fooled by them, for they would have formed an opinion about you which is nothing but negative.

and if you find out someone who fooled u like this what do u do?
ignore it and behave naturally?
accuse them of it?
stop having anything to do with that person again?
realise your mistake and never repeat it?
i think the last one is the most feasible solution.

chapter 10 -the likes and dislikes

It all started when i asked my mom on one fine Sunday morning,' what is for breakfast'. isnt that a perfectly innocent question, allowed in all parts of the world. may be 'all over the world' is a bit too much... wat if hitler had placed some restrictions during the holocaust! u never know, well my mom was a little Hitler herself and she completely forbid me frm doing it not in simple words but the following way:

me(sitting sloppily on a couch watching tv on a sunday morning): mom wat is for breakfast?

mom(from the kitchen shouting to be heard above the song being played in a channel): 'idly' and 'sambar'

my mom comes out of the kitchen, which is behind me, to see the song now on TV which is one of her favorites

me(without knowing she is right next to me begins to say): oh every sunday!... (now i notice my mom and most importantly the look on her face which meant if i utter a single word more the entire day would be dedicated to 'dealing' with me and i thought quick and said) afternoon 12.30 there is smrithilayam, my favourite program.

i sat innocently without daring to look at her... the sudden change in the sentence had made my heart to stop and brain, to work hard and i was feeling very tired. sudenly i heard laughter around me. my dad and my sis who where near me had heard me and were laughing at my quick wit to change it that way. and i tell u my mom went back to the kitchen defeated. that was one of my victory days after all!

even now seeing 'idly' early in the morning spoils my day. somehow i dont like idly when it is der in my house...but my mom's idlies are pretty famous... it so soft and smooth that i know people who have already had breakfast having a second one when they realise it is idly for breakfast at my home... but i love to eat idly during occasions... like on the day of marriage, for breakfast they would always make idly and i love to it... it would be as hard as stone and the sambar would be like water and the chutny 2nd rate still i like to have it there. there is a cook near our place. his name is soman. he is called for almost all marriages in our village... he also does the small feasts like the sadya for birthday, 'sanjayanam'(after death ceremony), the sapthaham(bhagavatham read and explained in 7 days) in our temple etc. one particular occasion is the 41. that is during the sabarimala season there are 41 days during which the sabarimala temple remains open. those days even in our temple we have special prayers, bhajana and all that. each day would be sponsored by a particular person. there are some specific days which is the right of certain families. my family is the one who takes care of the 41st day. my father's elder brother take care of it. on that day he would have arranged soman to make idlies for the people who come to sing bhajans. we would all gather in my dad's elder sister's house which is right opposite to the temple and all of us would have idlies even b4 the bhajans. my mom would scold soman saying 'if i throw it at u and it hits u, u will die for sure, it is harder than stone...' and will then turn to me devouring the idlies and stare at me angrily.... she would be reminded of my responses whenever she makes idlies. but soman in his characteristic way, smile and say 'if i make it soft those bhajana people would eat tons and tons, that is why... i know to make it soft but i dont'
my mom would retaliate saying 'we are making this for them to have so y do u have to think that way' but soman chettan will only smile.

the likes and dislikes are so difficult to find out. i wouldnt know wat i would want for myself. i would think for months if i have to give someone a gift. i am sometimes at a loss to find out if people simply dislike me or like me a lot. likes and dislikes change in two seconds. for example when i thought of this post i liked it a lot, but now i think i dont like it at all and that i have not been able to successfully convey my thoughts. well i t happens i suppose

chapter 9 മൂന്നു പെണ്ണുങ്ങള്‍

the three great friends of my life!!!!

I know I know… it has been a long time since I told you I would be writing about the three close friends in my life…
It is an incomparable feeling to have a close friend, a really understanding friend, a friend who can predict what is in your mind, a friend who would be there for you, not behind you, not infront of you, but by your side whenever you look there.

I have had many friends over the year… so many of them, some I still keep in touch, some I know to be doing what though I am not in touch with them directly, and there is another group about whom I don’t know anything. Nothing at all… whether they have changed, whether they have forgotten me, whether they ….. I happily lived in blissful ignorance of my dear friends.

There was a great friend of mine. I studied with her in the same class for 5 loong years. Her name is Rajani. I have never had a friend who was as understanding as she was, and I remember how undemanding she was, I can feel how much she liked me even now as I think about her. And when we parted for me to join a new school she wrote in my autograph book

‘You are my best friend and you will always be…’

Though I felt happy then, I am quiet sure I didn’t know how precious that line was then because I placed her in the back of my mind soon, without even a tinge of guilt….

I regret it… I seriously regret it…

When I look back after 9 years I realize that she is the only person who ever told me I am her best friend. Yes she is the only one who ever told me that… how unthoughtful and how immature it was to not value that and I think I was punished for that…yes I was punished for that not by her but by other friends.

I know where rajani is now, what she is studying etc etc. but I didnt have her contact number and I haven’t talked to her for sooo long that I have a feeling I have lost her…


************

This is a story on how I lost a good friend coz of my carelessness. I am to be blamed for this. No one else had any role in it.
I was shifted from the comfortable place in the fourth bench to the first place in the front bench by Joby sir so that I would talk less, listen more and subsequently get more marks. This is in my 11th standard. Though I didn’t gain more marks nor did I listen more I was now sitting next to Miss Hope!!! Yes! Her name was Pratheeksha. I sat awed looking at her while she solved long math problems in trigonometry, permutations combinations etc. she was very soft spoken and very caring and many other things. I don’t know how to describe people like pratheeksha. They are so down to earth, no show offs and no demonstrations. She just liked me for what I am, never demanding and always comforting me and everything. And I sure needed all the comfortings in the world because life was hell for me at that time. +1 and +2 still haunts me. And Joby sir, physics chem and bio still are the major actors in my night mares.

Pratheeksa … I don’t know where she is now. I don’t know which course she took after her plus 2… I don’t know if she is away from her home… I don’t know if she is also wondering where I am… I have lost my friend in this over populated country and I don’t even have a phone number. I had taken her phone number in my slam book and I have lost it, I don’t know where I have lost that goddamn book.
We use to go to Pala near Kottayam for our entrance coaching every saturday. We were taken in a bus from our school by the management. Pratheeksha, who stayed in the hostel, always got Kerala paratha and egg curry as her lunch. I who was a day scholar had my lunch from home. Both of us hated our respective meals. One day pratheeksha suggested exchanging our tiffin. And from that day we exchanged out lunch. She said she liked to have curd, chutney and ladies finger. So I brought that for her from the next week onwards. At times my mom treated her with fsh fries and all.

I don’t know where she is now. I have asked many of my old classmates, but none of them knows…

I am at a lose to know what I ought to do now.
Any suggestions???



She came to my school the year after I joined that school. I noticed her because of her ‘look’ if I may call it so. She was completely different… totally… before I go on to describe how she was I think it is better for you to know my ‘look’. After I couldn’t fit into frocks I graduated into long skirt and blouse. It is this typical dress young traditional girls wear. It is called ‘pattupaavada’. I think from my 8th standard till my tenth I had only these skirts other than the pinnafore I had as uniform. I didn’t even have many salwars, may be one or two. All my good dresses were those skirts. My hairstyle – one straight line in the center of my head from front till the back which parted my hair into two equal halves… I had very long hair and it would always be full of oil and I take bath everyday wetting my looong hair everyday, liked classical music a looot, listened to only Indian music, was learning classical dance at that time, and continued to learn it for 15 years, was in a short a typical traditional malayalee girl with a lot of convictions about what is good and what is bad.

So there is nothing surprising in the fact that tonks wore jeans and shirt when she was not wearing uniform, she spotted a boycut, had curly hair, listened only English music, had an accent when she spoke English(though I haven’t been able to place it yet) while I spoke English with an excellent Malayalam accent, was a total extrovert, her Malayalam was as good as her English and she my contrast in every sense. We got to know because of our common friends and we got to know better because we had one similar interest. Both of us took part in essay-story-poetry writing competitions in school youth festivals and both of us bagged one of the prizes each. We became friends because of two people- one person from UK and another one from Kerala itself. The former is J K Rowling and latter is Matha Amrithanandamayi. Your first guess would be right… yes we were both fans of harry potter. But matha amrithanandamayi… no neither of us were her devotees. But an essay competition was conducted by the Math and each school was allowed to send two participants. Our school conducted a screening competition and tonks and me were selected. There we got to know each other better. Then again the wait for the potter books to release and debates ranging from who is RAB, who is half blood prince, who would be killed next and so on made us really close friends. Then we ended up in the same class in XI and there we became best of friends and there we started to have problems. Like I told you we didn’t have similar likes and dislikes in most of our ways and I think she found me a nuisance and I got annoyed with her many times may be because I started becoming possessive about her. (this is one particular emotion which is better left alone. I have been very possessive about many people in my life…. My friends, my best friends, my secret lovers, so many of them. But I am proud to say I am cured of that particular illness,.. I will tell all about it one day.)

I am happy to say we are back to our same old selves. I was in a different class in our XII, may be that helped. Then we were in two different states for the next 3 years, that made us really miss each other I guess.

We met after 3 years and we realized we had developed a looot in common over the years and yes I am confident now, I would never loose tonks… she would always be my close friend.


**************

isnt that Beautiful???









the ring!!




wish i was there!!!

i hate technology

A i put the cd into the drive of my PC in my new college i am sure i was spotting a grin. after all i was accesing net after almost 2 weeks and i had a post ready to be posted for a loong time. and i was about to do it now. as the auto play window came i confidently clicked on the chapter 9 file
there i get 3 pages of small squares. i stared at it for a while and slowly realised it happend because of the way i saved it... the word on my laptop and this word were defenitely not on talking terms...n
who suffered?
me!!!!
i am so fed up of this . first of all couldnt post it earlier since my modem at home simply went on strike influenced, i suppose, by the political parties of Kerala and then i couldnt do it on my lap top itself coz it was not connected to the net and now i cant post the damned thing coz 'words' quarrel with each other.... why Gates uncle why? i mean he is so sweet to help but he has complicated the stuf by bringing in newer versions and encouraging squabbles between them.

this man (the guy in the foto) is so sweet to have expressed my thots so nicely. i am afraid few ppl are so understanding. i am getting annoyed coz of the pressures at my college already, and i hav prob with Vodafone who happily offered me national sms for 50 paise and local sms for 10 paise and is blissfully charging me 1.50 paise and 1 rupee respectively. when u call their happy to help customer care, they ask for 24 hours, 48 hours, then again 24 hours and when even that is over they refuse to help... they simply wouldnt connect me to their customer care service.

a friend decided to call me and that is a big thing because this particular friend always forgets to call me. but can we talk properly? no! why ? there is no network coverage.
wow!
where has technology landed us? if there were no such gadgets we would have happily lived without getting crazy when u encouter problems with it...
world would definitely have been a better place t o live in!

hello!!!!

hi all my fan followers.... sorry for not posting for succh a loooong time... i wanted to but didnt have the adequate net connection

well. this is to let u know that i will be posting regularly and do keep checking my blog....
the next post is going to be about the 3 close friends in my life (also called മൂന്നു പെണ്ണുങ്ങള്‍)
not written by M T Vasudevan nair.... but myself
love u loots for reading ma blog
thulsi

chapter 8

On windows

There are so many incidents in my life where I looked out through a window to see something which remain etched in my memory or someone looked at me through a window to remain in the same way glowing in my memory. To look through a window is a unique experience where the shape of the window will seem to restrict the view in that shape from a distance, but on closer inspection we will realize that it is the opening to the limitless world that lies beyond us beckoning us to get out and never ever get in…the world seen through a window is always a different outlook. There is something that prevents us from being with that which is outside the window, also that is the only way which shows what lies beyond.
Once I was sitting on a bus which was just leaving the bus stand and entering the main road. I was sitting in the side seat immediately in front of the door. I am talking about the private buses in Kerala. I had kept my hand on window sill of my window. I could see the colour of my sleeve through the corner of my eyes as I looked out. I was clouds and the sky… blue and white. I was in my ninth standard. It was in December and our school was celebrating Christmas that day…. The last day before Christmas holidays…
As the bus turned into the main road it had to slow down since some people had come up from the other side of the road to board the bus. The conductor who knew them as regular passangers, rang the bell and the bus stopped. I knew two of them very well. As they came walking towards the bus, one of them looked at me, I was already looking at him. He smiled at me, a soft smile, just a smile of recognition, or was it just that? I don’t know… I am not sure… I returned the smile, a happy smile...
My day that day was technically a very bad day coz I couldn’t find a dress to wear. Usually I wear uniform to school and hence there is no tension of what to wear… but that day was Christmas celelbration and we could wear colour dress. In the morning I had tried to wear a dress I really liked and had found that I was too large for it, I tried another one and found that the dress is too small for me…. In the same manner I had tried all the dress in my wardrobe and found out that I couldn’t fit into any of those. I think it would be useless to explain my distress, because it would be stating the obvious.
In the end I found a dress belonging to my sister which she had long abandoned since it was too big for her now. My sister is elder to me but is less than half my size. She had stopped wearing that salwar because a change in trend has made it necessary for her to wear dress that is tight fitting. But I could wear the salwar without breaking the latest trend, my sisters loose dress was tight fitting for me. That was the reason for my bad mood. I had to be satisfied with the old dress of my sister on that special day, when I had new dress in my wardrobe. But what fit me well yesterday wouldn’t suit me tomorrow. I would have become more fat.
What more is required to make me hate the day. And I had smiled a very happy smile at someone I knew, a smile that went out through the window and the smile that came in through the window. The smile was full and came straight from my heart. I had smiled that morning at someone with my full mind, little knowing that, that someone was going to change my life one day…years later…in ways I could never have fathomed. This is a dedication for that someone…

PS: and all these thoughts now because someone looked down from a window and saw me!!!

chapter 7

How did I forget to fall in love? Love had easily come to me… I don’t feel it anymore… I know I love my parents, I know I love my sister, I know I love my friends. But I don’t feel it anymore. But why ?
Love in all form is selfish. We like to love others because of the satisfaction we get when we love someone… there is a feeling which cant be explained, associated with the emotion of love. We like others to love us because of that feeling. It is a beautiful feeling to be in love. Selfishness in it doesn’t poison it. It is beautiful, fascinating and refreshing.
Here, the problem I have encountered is that though I know I love many people I can no longer feel it. I am failing to experience the joy of love.
I have fallen in love many times. Some of it was for moderately long periods as in almost one month. But there was one love which lasted for almost two years. The beauty of it all is that it was always one way. My lover never suspected me of loving him. So it was all very exciting. The little secret, deep in my heart which made me very special for myself, just for myself!!! I treasured it deep inside me. Why did it leave me all of a sudden? It is almost two years now since I fell in love. It startles me to believe it.
I don’t feel the love inside me, the compassion inside me, the pain in me, the anger in me, the disgust in me, the peace in me…the last two years I haven’t even written a single story, a single diary entry which reflects the true me… why?

Am I growing up?
If this is growing up I would definitely have preferred to be made a bonsai.

chapter 6

That last one was a very large posts entirely for my brother… He is lucky to have got that much space in my blog. As I told he is not at all like typical brothers and i would have certainly preferred more of the typical types. Very lucky I must call him… or is it because of my yearning for a brother…
I have always wanted to have brothers. I don’t have one…how much I would have liked to have one!!! I cant explain how much I want one. It is beyond words and the jealousy I feel when I see a brother and sister has always given me pain. I have always envied the love, sense of belongingness, possessiveness, protectiveness, rebukes quarrels, kicks, and everyother thing that comes with a brother. I don’t even know what exactly a brother is… I have never experienced it… haven’t I?
It is funny it happened today. My brother (not the one I talked about earlier, this one is from my father’s side- cousin of course) was telling me this morning, an incident. When I was interning in a news channel I had to go out a lot in the city(obviously) and everyday I could be found on the roads with a mic. There was no chance of meeting any one I know because this was very far away from my home and almost all my relatives and friends are in the same area. But it happened that so many people who knew me saw me and I didn’t even saw one of them, and none of them were close relatives or friends.

It so happened that during that time my brother got a call from an unknown number saying a girl from his family was seen running around the city with a mic of a channel and asking if she still worked there and many more things about her.( meaning me obviously! If you were the brilliant lot who understand things in a few seconds you would have realized as much in those few seconds and if you are the other lot who doesn’t realize the effective use of he/she/her/his then you would have welcomed this explanation with a hearty smile, an Ah! So that is who she is etc. And that explanation was exactly for the second lot) the call got cut then. My brother got so angry, he called the guy back and shouted abuses at him. The guy didn’t reveal himself. My brother knew a vigilance inspector and he told the inspector the guy was asking about me. The inspector told him he will take care of the guy, that he just had to give him the number. Luckily the guy called again and he happened to be a relative of my brother from the other side. He was simply playing a prank having spotted me with the channel crew.

My overwhelming happiness is unimaginable to all. What would my sister have done if she had got the call. She would have panicked and got so tensed and in the end I myself would have had to pacify her down. Nobody had ever done such things for me. I had tackled calls of unknown numbers alone and I had tackled all such nuisances alone and I believe I have done all that effectively. But I felt so proud to have known that a brother did a similar kind of thing for me. I have seen my friends giving the numbers of those guys who troubled them to their friends who are boys and I have often wondered why do they do it when they can easily tackle it themselves. But I was touched by the protectiveness my brother showed and though I wouldn’t have in the least bothered about the caller if I had known about it I somehow felt wonderful when he told me about it. I wouldn’t have wanted it from a friend. But I loved it from a brother. Even if I am sounding a bit like bollywood movies I don’t care because that’s how I felt. I am feeling a bit defensive may be because I wouldn’t have liked to accept that I had such emotions in me. And I felt so wonderful to be a sister of a brother today!!!

This is the post I had prepared yesterday night… I was so emotional yesterday… why? Is it because I quarreled with my dad yesterday…why is that I am losing control these days? I was alright when I was away from home . even when I had to face the most adverse of the situations I was calm, I was unbelievably calm and I have heard my friends complimenting me for that. But there is something in me that is unknown to me… I have never seen it before… some additions and subtractions in life… do I like it? NO I don’t like it… I want my old self to be back with me. Which is normal, me losing control at the slightest provocation or me dealing with adversities with calm… me speaking out loud about whatever I feel or me being reserved thinking twice before I speak. I don’t know… who can tell me? No one? Does that outburst in front of my dad mean I am going to my old self? Do I welcome that or not? I don’t know… because when I was in control of myself I felt strangely not myself. I was not being me… the control on my temper made me control all other emotions as well, my love my grief my empathy my sympathy everything. How did I forget to love. The number of crushes I had in my life is uncountable… nothing now… dry arid land….it had always given me happiness to think about my stupidity later on… once a model, sometimes a class mate, a neighbour, distant relatives, chance acquaintances, once even the smiling face on a calendar and even sreeshanth!!! Where are they all? That pain that excitement that foolishness and telling about it to others and laughing at myself… where did I loose it?
എന്റെ കരളില് വേദന എല്ലാ!!!
What have I lost? Why am I so infifferent? Why doesn’t I am being so so so not myself!!!

chapter 5 books and my brother

and thus my stay at my mom's house adhava my mom's sister's place started.... and i was 13 years old. in my 8th standard. my sister in 12th so i was in my teens and my sis in tens.. i mean tension wid d demands of 12... i was having a great tym....i mean it was not as strict as my home in the case of studies and all and i started spotting a loot of changes in me. i started being selective about the movies i watch. earlier i use to watch any kinda movie. but i started being selective in this respect much to the surprise of myself!!! the next change was i started watching news... asianet news... everyday... my grandmother will come to my aunt's place everyday in the evening and watch news and i started joining her. and to my utter disbelif i started to take an interest in politics. the names of those people who were uptil then unimportant old people were becoming familiar(i mean the politicians) and then there were a looot of books around me... at home too i had a loooot of books and i was often criticised for not reading them... i use to read yes!!! but when someone asked me if i had read a particular book my answer was invariably no... and i felt bad when i had to say no... so i didnt love the books at home... it seemedf to shout at me !!! READ READ READ READ!!!! and i DIDNT read!!!


but these books were differnt.. all of them were my brother's... and surprisingly those books never screamed at me! nor did the brother...


he didnt know to tell a story but he did! i mean he said stories in a way it should not be told... parts and bit of it simply to amuse me and i liked those books in the shelf because stories from those amused me.... i use to get startled to hear him laughing out loud reading a book and many a times i have removed those specs from his face when he fell asleep with a book in his hand and i have often stared at those book which made him laugh out...was he pretendfing it.. definitely not...for later in my life ... i mean even now i read those same books and laugh out loud.... that was not pretention... that was the magic of Mr P G Wodehouse.... thus my bro and his books were beginning to have a great impact on me... his books beckoned me which the books in my shelf simply refuses to doeven now. that is why i started buying books and have a shelf separately....

thus the brother though very different from conventional brothers and strictly not what i would have liked to have as a brother changed my life, though he was and is unaware of it.

i started reading ... from enid blyton it started and it sprouted wings and it flew far and wide and all of these affected me a loot.. not as in teaching me one one moral or good thinking in me... what i mean is it literally affected me. i dreamt about it, day dreamed about it and i started thinking about my characters only... i lives there life at times, taking the role of the hero sometimes, villain at other times and re enacted the whole story, changed its shape structure plot and changed all there lives.

one day, not exactly day it was an evening... i was having a notebook in my hand, pretending to study by walking the length of the courtyard.. i found many stalks of the flower bunch of the teak in the yard... i bend down and pickked one and simply carried it in myone hand.(the other hand obviously had the notebook if u guys forgot about it as i did) my brother was sitting in the sit out reading something perhaps a news paper... he cast a look at me and laughed.. he always did so... laughter first and then the reason(this is anotgher stry will tell you).. i asked what!? whis was a majpor fight that went on between us.... he always laughed at anything and everuthiong i said or did... i would ask him what and he always said he will tell me after he is done with his laugh, which infuruated me on evey such occasion without fail......i often resort to physical abuse.... i hit him punched him and always mimiked the police style kicked though never actually did it!!! then he would give his reason which would obviously make me more angry if that is possible and will again make me hit him... so that is that story, will elaborate on it if i remember more of it...

so where was i?


Ah yes... i was walking with a notebook and the stalk of teak flower and my brother laughed at me.

i asked what.. he said ' you remind me of young ladies of Russian novels who are impatiently waiting for the lover'

though there was not much reason to get angry i got angry as it was the right thing to do i suppose.. and we set of talking about russian novels then novels, novels i have read and i strted speaking about the hero of a malayalam novel i had last read. the name of the novel is Mayyazhi puzhayude theerangalil (മയ്യഴി പുഴയുടെ തീരങ്ങളില്‍)by M Mukundan and the hero - dasan... he had been in my minds for some time now and it irritated me to think about his deeds.. th way he let go of his life... and so on and so forth... my brother was looking quiet serious and he was silent throughout my monologue... then he said 'thulsi you dont have to take everything into your heart.....' he went on..... but i did not listen... that one sentence struck me...that was exactly i was doing all the time, every day , every minute, every second and even that very moment... and i had realised it for the first tym... i was not living my life... i was drinking in ignorance of reality blissfully and living that life which was nobody's

chapter 4

all of us werein the 4 different corners of the world , parents got transfer to two different places and so we were NOT orphaned. we were entrusted with my aunt, my mom's sister a sweet cutie pie. she and my mom's parents live in the same compound and hence i say with my grandparents and aunt though it is two different houses. i could write pages and pages about my stay there. it was... lemme call it....eventful!!!!

so as i said i was left to live with my relations. that is a loony grandfather who disliked me as much as he disliked my mother (his own daughter) and i too disliked him as much as he disliked me!!!! but he was kind of nice.... i mean he is old and everything and didn't have a smooth life himself and people are bound to become so i suppose. then there was this grandmother who disliked gandhiji and thinks it was good he expired not because any personal revenge but because of her dislike for lower caste and she blames Gandhi for their upliftment today. but she was a very good sort and liked us a lot though i thought she liked us grand children in the order of our appearance into the world. that is my brother first(aunt's son) then my own sister and then me. she had to suffer a lot as a child and that made her tough i suppose... because in spite of all adverse conditions and situations i have never seen her cry except for once which surprised me a lot and left a great impact upon me.
then my aunt... as i said a cutie pie.....she liked us all a looot... everytime she came to our home ven we were children she used to get one one diary milk for my sis and me and for every b'day she gets me and my sis new dress... like for her b'day and for my b'day both of us got dress irrespective of whose b'day it is... she also gives handsome vishu kaineettam (വിഷു കൈനീട്ടം)
then there was my cousin, the brother i was talking about earlier. i don't remember what outlook i had about him when i went there coz he was one person for whom i never had a constant opinion for a looong time... so i dont remember... bu ti had nothing much against him and kind of liked him too i am sure...
and so all in all i knew i was going to enjoy my stay there...
did i suspect more than that was going to happen?
definitely not!!!

chapter 3

Once upon a time there lived a girl who had a friend...a close friend...a best friend...a bestest friend...how much she enjoyed the friendship she could never tell anyone...this bestest friend was her secret keeper and the friend trusted her with many things too. the bestest friend had absolute faith in her faith and that is why her friend asked her to do it... and she did it too... and the bestest friend believed it was all because of her faith...and she didnt know wat to believe....but bothof them were happy...

days went by and something happened which shouldnt have happened.........

the girl did not call her bestest friend and the bestest friend did not call her...the bestest friend did not meet her and the girl did not meet hte bestest friend... days went by...weeks went by... months and years went by...she didnt forget about her bestest friend but she thought of her bestest friend and she always felt a pang of pain whenver she thouight about her bestest friend...the bestest friend had become ex best friend...and she thought she didnt have a best friend...and then they saw, they met they talked...accidently...but somehting was not right...the girl hid behind her book...her bestest ex best friend hid behind a phone... it took so loong for her to realise how foolish she was...

then they talked

this tym der was no book or phone...they wondered wat had happened to them...the bestest friend called it ego, the girl didnt know wat to call it... the bestest friend requested her to do something...the girl had faith in her own faith by now...she did it happily but as the days went by as the need for the faith in faith was about to end she couldnt see ahead...history was repeating itself...this too shall pass!!!

Once upon a timwe there lived a girl who had a friend...a close friend...a best firnd...a bestest friend..

Yes ONCE UPON A TIME

chapter 2

when i surfed thru my old note books and diairies i found hundreds and hundreds of stories essays and my experiences recorded safely by my teenage self... i thought reproducing the same here would hepl my readers understand me...
chapter 2
After I read some stories of Ruskin Bond, he often writes about himself, I began to think that I am quiet like him. He says he is very absent minded and liked to dream. After I read the story ‘Upon the Wall, Dreaming’ I seemed to entertain no doubts regarding our likeness. In the story he says how he liked to sit on his wall and dream, both in his child hood and adulthood. I too dream a lot. Though I didn’t get a chance of sitting on my wall and dream like Bond, I do it whenever I get a chance to do it.

Anyways I couldn’t sit on our wall and dream owing to the fact that I am a fifteen year old girl (now) and also because I am a bit self conscious than Bond. I don’t want to think about what my neighbours will say if they see me sitting on a garden wall, dreaming. But when I have very comfortable beds and chairs, why should I take risks? Thus without neighbours prying on me, I could day dream peacefully inside my house. About what I think (let me skip the word ‘dream’ it make me feel I am doing something stupid) I think about a lot many things. I am a great fan of Harry Potter books. So that story takes much of my time. I sit or lie down and think about all the possibilities, try to work out all the clues Rowling has given (she always does) and wonder how the next book will be. She has written only till the fifth when I write this. I sometimes feel that I might have thought about the story more than Rowling herself.

Then I think aboutall the things that happened in my class or at school. I can remember all the funny things that ever happened in my class. I’ve an amazing memory for such things though if I have to derive a relation in physics or learn the functioning of our digestive system, my memory seem to be very poor indeed. It is not my fault, it cant be!!! I cant help it that’s all!!! Paulo Coelho, in his famous book ‘The Alchemist’ advise to follow your dreams. But I’ve not not yet had anything that’s worth following. What can I do but Wait and See!!!

i was delighted to see the confused me, as a teenager wondering where i will reach and what i will bbe!!! now when the road ahead is clear and i am confident as i stride through it i find it exceedingly interesting to go through it

chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a little girl who sat to watch TV and came across an old looking film which she liked because of a good song which was going on when she switched on the tv. She didn’t know the main actress, she didn’t know the name of the film, she didn’t know the director yet she grew so fond of the film that seeing the film on TV again after so long a time prompted her to write this piece.

She was born on 19th August, 1988 in saraswathi yamam. Babies born in this particular yamam are bound to be very good at studies, her parents naturally was very happy about their child with chubby cheeks, rosy lips and round eyes, unfortunately she didn’t have dimple chin or curly hair, but she was such a dear child that her parents did not mind this handicap!!!

And as she grew up she also heard the very popular tale of she being born in saraswathi yamam. She got very happy that she was very fortunate to have born in such a nice time and that she would be able to study well.

But she was an average student in school and never got beyond 5th rank… her sister was a good student and always class first and school first. But she was never worried about it. She went on like that 5th 8th 6th again 5th etc etc etc. she was a good dancer and she was well known in her school for her dancing capabilities and not academic galores. She was known all over the school… not only her, her sister as well. They were the stars of the school. But the little star changed her school and joined good shepherd….and so did her sister…and this changed her life!!! How? U will find it soon

well...why a blog!!! gotta answer dat 1st right?

I wanted to write for a looong time…. I don’t know for how lonnng… lost count of days…. Why didn’t I write??? Don’t know… wanted to start a blog for a looong time… I have no idea y it took me so loooong….. I know my longs are becoming a bit too looooong… but it is indeed that looong

I wanted to write about a looot of things…. My life…. My family…. My village and all the people there I so dearly love….. my relatives and of course about My love…… don’t know about which I will write about when….. that would depend on my mood…. All of these are my favourite topics and yeah I might add some of my stories too…. But I dnt promise….. but then whatever I write is bound to become a little fictional… yes this is a problem I’ve been suffering for a loooooog time…. Look at that long…. Nice and looog!!!!
Why don’t I write an autobiography? It woulb b quiet easy to write my own story… atleast I don’t have to think about m\a story myself… see how lazy I am… sometimes I feel like writing, but I wouldn’t have an idea for a story… then I would have a brilliant idea in my mind(or so I would think) but I wouldn’t have the mood to write… what can be done abt this? Nothing that is y I have come up wid dis amazing conclusion –my own story!!! But it wont b truly mine too… there are some parts in my life were I wished I could turn the events to get excellent solutions and climax. Obviously I have not been able to do that… fate decided it all and sometimes to disastrous conclusions. So please don’t blame me if I add a little bit of my aesthetic sense into the this story of mine…. I assure u, de story by itself is so engrossing, imagine de effect it will have if I put a hand into it. I hope and am quiet sure that it wont be as disastrous as fate’s ideas atleast.

I like beautiful things, symmetry and am very romantic, so I will try to make my story more beautiful, more symmetrical and more romantic [as of now it is so dry ;-)].
I will try to tell it objectively. When I am telling my story there are many parts in it ver it is so emotional and close to my heart that I cant make it objective please forgive me for that. It is essential for me to make it objective because otherwise I will not be able to tell certain issued to u… am not all dat brave, u must know dat. I am still young and am only an amateur. Isn’t it too much to expect from me the professionalism dat only well known writers possess. And one more thing if there is one thing I hate the most, it is to read once more whatever crap I’ve witten, I simply cant tolerate it. So if u find repetitions, spelling Mistakes, grammar mistakes and if a sentence simply doesn’t make sense, do not misunderstand me it is because of this problem of mine.

And another disclaimer- as I scrapped a friend on orkut, 50%of whater I say might be true, the other 50% is definitely fictitious.
With this not so short or long intro I start my story; and it definitely will start with once upon a time….