chapter 6

That last one was a very large posts entirely for my brother… He is lucky to have got that much space in my blog. As I told he is not at all like typical brothers and i would have certainly preferred more of the typical types. Very lucky I must call him… or is it because of my yearning for a brother…
I have always wanted to have brothers. I don’t have one…how much I would have liked to have one!!! I cant explain how much I want one. It is beyond words and the jealousy I feel when I see a brother and sister has always given me pain. I have always envied the love, sense of belongingness, possessiveness, protectiveness, rebukes quarrels, kicks, and everyother thing that comes with a brother. I don’t even know what exactly a brother is… I have never experienced it… haven’t I?
It is funny it happened today. My brother (not the one I talked about earlier, this one is from my father’s side- cousin of course) was telling me this morning, an incident. When I was interning in a news channel I had to go out a lot in the city(obviously) and everyday I could be found on the roads with a mic. There was no chance of meeting any one I know because this was very far away from my home and almost all my relatives and friends are in the same area. But it happened that so many people who knew me saw me and I didn’t even saw one of them, and none of them were close relatives or friends.

It so happened that during that time my brother got a call from an unknown number saying a girl from his family was seen running around the city with a mic of a channel and asking if she still worked there and many more things about her.( meaning me obviously! If you were the brilliant lot who understand things in a few seconds you would have realized as much in those few seconds and if you are the other lot who doesn’t realize the effective use of he/she/her/his then you would have welcomed this explanation with a hearty smile, an Ah! So that is who she is etc. And that explanation was exactly for the second lot) the call got cut then. My brother got so angry, he called the guy back and shouted abuses at him. The guy didn’t reveal himself. My brother knew a vigilance inspector and he told the inspector the guy was asking about me. The inspector told him he will take care of the guy, that he just had to give him the number. Luckily the guy called again and he happened to be a relative of my brother from the other side. He was simply playing a prank having spotted me with the channel crew.

My overwhelming happiness is unimaginable to all. What would my sister have done if she had got the call. She would have panicked and got so tensed and in the end I myself would have had to pacify her down. Nobody had ever done such things for me. I had tackled calls of unknown numbers alone and I had tackled all such nuisances alone and I believe I have done all that effectively. But I felt so proud to have known that a brother did a similar kind of thing for me. I have seen my friends giving the numbers of those guys who troubled them to their friends who are boys and I have often wondered why do they do it when they can easily tackle it themselves. But I was touched by the protectiveness my brother showed and though I wouldn’t have in the least bothered about the caller if I had known about it I somehow felt wonderful when he told me about it. I wouldn’t have wanted it from a friend. But I loved it from a brother. Even if I am sounding a bit like bollywood movies I don’t care because that’s how I felt. I am feeling a bit defensive may be because I wouldn’t have liked to accept that I had such emotions in me. And I felt so wonderful to be a sister of a brother today!!!

This is the post I had prepared yesterday night… I was so emotional yesterday… why? Is it because I quarreled with my dad yesterday…why is that I am losing control these days? I was alright when I was away from home . even when I had to face the most adverse of the situations I was calm, I was unbelievably calm and I have heard my friends complimenting me for that. But there is something in me that is unknown to me… I have never seen it before… some additions and subtractions in life… do I like it? NO I don’t like it… I want my old self to be back with me. Which is normal, me losing control at the slightest provocation or me dealing with adversities with calm… me speaking out loud about whatever I feel or me being reserved thinking twice before I speak. I don’t know… who can tell me? No one? Does that outburst in front of my dad mean I am going to my old self? Do I welcome that or not? I don’t know… because when I was in control of myself I felt strangely not myself. I was not being me… the control on my temper made me control all other emotions as well, my love my grief my empathy my sympathy everything. How did I forget to love. The number of crushes I had in my life is uncountable… nothing now… dry arid land….it had always given me happiness to think about my stupidity later on… once a model, sometimes a class mate, a neighbour, distant relatives, chance acquaintances, once even the smiling face on a calendar and even sreeshanth!!! Where are they all? That pain that excitement that foolishness and telling about it to others and laughing at myself… where did I loose it?
എന്റെ കരളില് വേദന എല്ലാ!!!
What have I lost? Why am I so infifferent? Why doesn’t I am being so so so not myself!!!