Chapter 24 - When Life Was About Quarrels and Reconcilations

I remember, very clearly, those days when i was a pukka gunda. I dont remember the reasons for me shouting at people. But I used to... plenty of times... at almost everyone... Did I really have that much hard feelings against them? I dont think so. was I as bad as I projected myself to be? I dont think so... then why did I behave like that? Well I dont know! But I was so, the gunda, the angry girl, far from anything that is friendly.

These are times when I used to think one has to quarrel daily to be good friends. Now when I think back I wonder why people were still nice to me! I used to think, to be able to quarrel with one's friends and then forget all about the differnces and be friends again is the best feeling in any friendship. Well, I realised only I thought so. People used to think I am wierd and funny, I suppose. Funny, not in the right sense of the word, but as someone who is just not sociable enough. But I used to make it a point to talk to them normally, atleast a day after the quarrel. But the surprise and confusion on the face of others used to make me feel really bad. They all thought I am a mad dog I suppose.

One incident that really made me feel bad was when a friend (I thought he is a friend, but I suppose he thought I am a rabid dog as well) played a prank on me, on the advise of his crooked friend, and his reaction afterwards. He looked so scared, I felt horrible. He expected me to shout at him I suppose. But that expectation hurt me so badly... Till date I cant forget that incident. That is when I finally realised I cant get out of this stigma about me... My belief had failed me. Nobody understood me asI am . May be I didnt give anyone that chance. May be...

The image once got is hard to shed... And I am still in that stigma, atleast in that circle of friends. But I rectified my mistake as soon as I entered a new environment.

We are allowed to make mistakes. But we are not allowed to repeat those mistakes. Because I know how a mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life... I Know... Very well... Trust Me...

Chapter 23 - Straight From My Dairy!

September 09, 2009
I was walking and I could feel the eyes following me! I felt nude even in my Salwar Kamees. I wished I had a Burkha, I wanted to cover myself. I drew my duppatta close to me. I wanted to run away. I wish I could stare back at them. I could feel it here there and everywhere. I wish they stopped it. What are they searching for? What did they want.

******

I walked in my white sari, boldly with my head held high. I could see those x ray eyes again, yellow and mean. But it didnt touch me. It did not dare to do so. I didnt care. I knew this would not affect me, never again. I knew they could never reach me... I stared straight at them, my stare never wavered, but I saw that the yellow eyes couldnt hold it any more and I knew I had triumphed!

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November 22, 2007

I looked at my phone, it was so silent. i started going through the numbers... why am I doing this? I know it is not there... I had deleted that number. More than that I knew that number by heart... But do I really want to use it?

To come barging into someone's life and go off pretending You had never been there... How comfortable is that?

It hurt me... It made me realise how hard life can be to you. It made me realise how it is to feel a big gaping hole in the middle of my heart. I know you dont feel anything, but I didnt know how you cannot feel anything. Do you remember me atleast at times? atleast to laugh about me,or to think what a nuisance I was, or to think what a fool I am or may be to wonder what I'm doing, or where I am. Why do I feel this heart wrenching grief, why do I feel something has happened to you. why cant I just check and see if everything is all right. dont you know you were my greatest asset, my secret keeper... Someone to share everything with, someone for me to scold at, and someone to hear all I say, but not judge.

May be you never realised, how much you meant to me... May be you are teaching me the biggest lesson ever. and I realise the full meaning of it now. Nothing in my life would surprise me ever, Life can t give me a shock anymore, I have become numb.

I renamed you... exbest friend...

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December 1, 2007

Moderately happy day... looking forward to going home. Really? Oh I'm mad... Why am I talking to myself these days? Dangerous? Is it? How do I know? Achan called Amma called Chechi didnt call... I called, you called, he didnt call.. Oh My God... this is dangerous... potentially harmful to self and the society I suppose... How do I know? Should I meet Radhakrishnan uncle? May be I should! You never know!!!

Ha Ha Ha!!!

He will allow me to be this way!

I must thank him in the dedication page of my book(if I write one, ofcourse I will write one!)

for allowing me to remain as insane as ever and for telling me this is sanity!!!

Page got over, page got over, page got over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Chapter 22 - Bikeless in Bangalore

Bangalore is one of the most unsafe cities to drive. The traffic blocks are a night mare and the entire system is haywire.
Still i want to have a bike. Only the Bike less in Bangalore will understand what i mean. BMTC buses are there, autos are there taxis are there. But Bikelessness is a state which only the bikeless will understand.
BMTC buses for sure connects the city. But if you have to go somewhere you will have to change at least 2 buses. Autos are a bad option since auto wallahs here (as everywhere) are merciless and if you don't know the way, will cheat you for sure. And it is not very easy to know the way in Bangalore. The way to come back from a place is definitely not the way you take to go. So it is exceedingly confusing. there are many ring roads and fly overs and nagars and hallis, all designed to confuse you.
Last day i went to my brother's place in HSR layout. I live in kumbalgudu which is in Kengeri Hobli. It is a long journey. But i should not ideally take more than two and a half hours.
I started at 11:00. walked 2 kilo meters to reach the bus stop, waited for 45 minutes to get a bus. The bus took me till Kengeri Bus stop. From there I took a bus to Majestic which is the common name for Kampegowda Bus Station. I waited for around one hour there. Finally got a bus which would take me near my Brother's abode. I was going to my brother's place for the first time. He lived in CPWD quarters in HSR layout. I didn't know the place well. But he had told me buses pass right infront of his quarters and had advised me to jump out of the bus if I saw the quarters.
And I jumped!
I was sitting in the bus sympathising with myself for the ordeal I was going through, when I saw a big arch with CPWD quarters written on it. Wow! i was so relieved! i didnt expect to reach so fast!
But the bus was not stopping, and there was no bus stop in sight. Its ok, I thought. Afterall i have reached!
Bus went more than half a kilometer ahead and stopped. It was then I jumped.
As soon as I jumped i called my brother and told him I have reached. Just to make sure I asked him
"isnt this the CPWD quarters near Survey of India quarters?"
"Survey of India? i have not seen it." By brother said.
"what nonsense! "I thought," my brother needs to get out of his house some time and look around him. He is such a non brothish brother!"
Just to make sure i asked him "Isnt it near a college?"
"No Thulsi, I havent seen it"
"OK fine, I am coming, the bus has stopped some distance from your quarters, so it will take some time for me to walk"
"OK, when you reach the gate you will find a sentry, bored to death and dozzing. wake him up and ask for block 4, room 919"
"OK agreed" I said.
Rightly enough a sentry was sitting there, dozzing off and I boldly walked in.
My Brother called
"Dont you see a building right in front of you?'
"Yes I do!"
"take a road to the right there, you will reach in front of my block then, I am coming out as well." I walked as he advised and reached a dog kennel instead of his house!"
I called up my brother,
"where are you"
I am in front of my house"
"great! stand there and rot"
"hey if you take the way I asked you to, you will bump into me!"
There was nobody to bump into in the place I was standing, I could bump into the dog if I wanted to but the prospect didnt interest me!"
I got fed up of my Brother and decided to approach the sentry.
Dozzing or not Dozzing, he is after all a Sentry.
"Anna! block 44 elli?" (Where is block 44?)
"kelgande hogi, kelgede hogi" (Go down the road!)
"kelgade elli?" (where exactly down the lane?"
"Block number 44u, HSR Layout"
"HSR LAyout?"
He nodded
"ethu yaavathu ooru?" (where am I now? )
"koramangala"
I gaped at him! and then I realised I should not be gaping, I started my walk back to the bus stop and joined around 15 people who were waiting for the bus. A bus came and i jumped and ran to it and asked
'HSR layout Hogitha?' (will the bus go to HSR layout)
'hogala', the conductor replied.
Some 10 of my fellow 'waiters' who didn't show half the excitement I showed, hopped on the bus. But I was shortly joined by another 7-8 people and I didnt miss them at all. Buses kept coming and I kept repeating my dialogue. [this is one of the first lines i learned in Kannada, only after Hotte hasitha edde(i am hungry)]
The conductors had no new replies to give.
After around 45 minutes my brother called me and on realising I am still at the bus stop came to pick me up on his bike.
I reached his house at 5:00 pm.
Even when I came back the next day, I changed 4 buses.

Am I not justified when I say Bikelessness is a phenomenon that only the 'doomed to suffer' are left to suffer?
The joy of speeding on it in the empty Kumbalgudu roads and the joy of offering lift to friends... the joy of smirking at the BMTC buses, the joy of showing faces at the auto wallas!
Well! i talked to my mom about it!
Her reply was "Oh! pinne nadannum buselum pokavunnidathu poyal mathi. Enikku pinne oru samadhanavum undavilla" [Yeah right! You go to places where you can get buses or where you can walk to, only. I wouldn't have any peace here otherwise.] I didn't even have the guts to suggest it to my father!
She is scared of accidents. But BMTC buses also meet with accidents and pedestrians also get hit. So why cant I drive? I have license for heaven's sake. Does this mean my parents trust BMTC buse drivers more than me? May be! But they have not experienced Bikelessness in Bangalore.
Like I told you, only 'Bikeless in Bangalore' will understand me!